Worried all the time

Lately i worry to much to the point where it makes me sick. No one seems to understand what I'm going through. Even though my mom died about two years ago i still have a lot to go through in life and she is not there to give me advice or hug me when I'm feeling sad. My birthday is coming up and its a big deal to me, and she can't even spend it with me. I was always the tough one, i never would cry about anything. That all changed when my great grandpa died and i saw my grandma crying and i felt sad but then when i saw my mother crying it broke my heart. i took care of her, the reason she was still here was because of me... since i was 9 I've had to take care of her and when she got sick for the last time i felt like i was drowning her. there was nothing i could do for her and i wanted to do so much. i remember saying i wanted to take her place, i would do anything to have here here with me for my birthday but the thing is i can't do a thing to get her back. All i can do is try and live my life. Live a life that i wasn't so sure i wanted to live without my mom. So now i worry, worry about everything. And no matter what people say it doesn't seem to help. Sooner or later i will stop worrying about things and how i can go on without my role model, my hero, my mom.

Today is a rainy day and that got me thinking. At times you feel like you have a million little drops of stress beating down on you, like a daisy in a thunderstorm. Anyways on rainy days i get in that mood where i just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. That wasn't the case today, sadly... i had a rather busy day. Most the time i feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, not really living. So on these rainy days i enjoy the peaceful sound of the rain as it hits the window.

Trapped

At times life can become a bit much for you to handle. At this moment i feel like i'm stuck on an island where there is a ton of people and they are all trying to talk to me in a launguage i can't understand. I don't know where i'm at or how i got there just that i want to get off and go home. Home.... i'm not sure i know where home is or what it even looks like. Ever since my mom died my view of things have changed. Lack of sleep is no fun and i feel like i haven't been able to sleep since my mom passed. My dad always says to me "Come on, you got to get over it sometime, whats your problem." My answer to that is everyone deals with things differently. Its not like a cold being there one week and gone the next. You don't truely understand unless you have gone through it youself. So for now i'm stuck on that island waiting for somthing different.

Advice

It is always good to take the right advice from the right people. Sometimes your family and friends think they know whats best for you and the truth is they really don't know a thing about you. Other times when their all trying to give you the same advice, i think its safe to say you should listen. For some odd reason when a girl falls in love she somewhere along the way looses her common sense. Now I'm not saying this happens to everyone just a certain someone who is really close to me. I am the type of person when i see someone close to me about to mess up i say something. i found its better to say something then to not say anything because later on they end up coming to me with the problem. So i guess i try and fix it before it even happens, just prevent the problem all together. They don't anyways listen and then when something goes wrong they say "well i guess i should have listened to you." I was never the one to say "i told you so" but i clearly told you so haha. Someone once said to me "You can have all the love in the world for someone and know that it wasn't meant to be." marriage is a big step and i don't want anyone to rush into it, date as long as you can. The day you stop needing a man is the day your ready for a relationship. So many times i have heard my friends say "i need a boyfriend" i just laugh because you don't ever need a boyfriend. you can't need true love it just happens on its own. When you stop looking for that special someone is when that special someone walks into your life.

Glorify God

Today i was reading my Bible and i open to this text, "So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it All for the glory of God."~1Cor.10:31. This got me thinking about what i have been spending my time on. What i spend the most time one should be God, but that's not always the case. I do think i have come a long way in my spiritual walk with God over the years. Still sometimes i get that feeling like somethings missing. I'm sure everyone gets that feeling sooner or later in life. Maybe i should make some changes. So that one day i can say everything i do, i do it all for the glory of God. Sounds like a plan, a plan to get my life on track to glorify God with my actions.

The Armor of God

Tonight has been one of those nights were i get all worked up for nothing. The feeling of being "Home Sick" even when you're at home comes to mind. I decided to make a call to my wonderful aunt, she always knows what to say to bring me peace when i am worried. She told me about how in Ephesians it talks about putting on the full Armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. As she was talking to me about the shield of faith i decided to get my Bible and see for myself. While I'm reading i realize that the reason i was getting all worked up was because i was allowing these evil thoughts to enter my mind and take ahold of me. "In addition to all this, take up the Shield of Faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." verse 16. When i always thought of the armor of God i thought of the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. That's what brought comfort to me, the fact that no matter what your going though in life, no matter how hard it may seem. You always have God on your side with the Bible as your Sword to lead you into righteousness.

New day, New thoughts

I'm finding it more easy to wake up in the morning and actually want to get out of bed rather then just lay there the rest of the day. Loosing a loved one is a hard thing to deal with. Its something no one should go though alone. As for me when i lost my mom i felt like even with all my friends and family it just wasn't enough. The words "I'm Sorry" eventually feel like a brain freeze, only something you get when you drink something cold to fast. But this year I'm not gonna let the fact that i lost my mother at a young age get me down.

   Slowly i am putting my life back to the way it used to be, although i don't remember a time when my life wasn't stressful. Constantly taking care of your sick mother was never what any "kid" wanted to do, but it turned out to be my way of life for years. I have thought many times that I'm free, free to be me, to hang out with friends and to do what i want without having to worry about my mom. Although that sounds terrible because i did what i had to do out of love for her not just because it was something she asked me to do. Now that i have this new found freedom i realize i still feel like I'm missing something; something i know i can never get back.

Happy NEW YEAR!!!

Well its 2012 and everyone thinks the world is going to come to an end. I personally think that's a bunch of... well you fill in the blank. Anyways people always ask me if i made any new years resolutions. The answer to that is no, i found out that every year that goes by my resolutions are always some what the same as the year before. Like to loose weight, exercise more, and maybe something along the lines of eating better. This year is going to be different, I'm done with all the pointless resolutions. Time to put the past behind you and move on. Get out there and have some fun with friends, if you don't have any friends then get out there and make some. This year is your year and don't let others slow you down, go make something of yourself.

Pain is still present.

No matter how hard you try to make it look like your happy there is always that special someone who sees though you and knows just how you really feel inside. After my mother passed about 2 years ago i had a hard time allowing my self to be truely happy again. I put everything on the back burner so to say and carried on with my life. Little did i realize that it would come and find me. And so i write about it...